New Year Intentions
Every year I write myself a letter to open the following New Years Eve. This letter usually has within it various goals that I desired to accomplish throughout the year. As I sat and read my letter from the beginning of 2020 I was left quite disheartened. Sure, the year did not go as originally planned by any means, as we were met with extremely unprecedented times, but my reactions went much deeper than that.
As you may know by now, I am in recovery from toxic positivity and the law of attraction movement. However, when I wrote this letter, I was in the thick of it all. I felt sad for her. My heart reaching out to her to comfort her in her time of need. I was pretending to have it all together and living "my desires now so that they could come into fruition and I could take the quantum leaps" but truthfully, I was without.
Everything I did during this time was to manipulate my experience to get what I wanted. When I was not receiving these desires, I felt there was something wrong with me. I questioned my worth, my power, and dedication to myself and mission. Every morning practice I showed up to was to get something. From the gratitude lists to the meditations- all to manipulate and push me further ahead. I was constantly searching, wanting, and was left dissatisfied. This dissatisfaction led me farther away from the present moment, love and my truth. It made me want to tap into controlling tendencies towards others because I did not feel in control of my own life. A nasty cycle that I am no longer desiring to subscribe to.
Even though I met this letter with a heavy heart, I also felt immense gratitude. Gratitude for where I was within a short year ago to where I am now. No longer am I desiring success in the means of money- I am desiring success in the means of deep, intentional work and showing up with love. Which I know can be rather funny because of course we all need money to survive in this world, but I know that as I put love as the main focus in my life and business- the money will naturally flow. Which leads me to my word for 2021- Belief.
Belief in God. In me, love, quality, support, faith, trust and authenticity.
Such a beautiful word that encompasses all.
What is your word for 2021?
What beliefs are you ready to leave behind in 2020?
What are you ready to step into in 2021?